Estranged
By Natalia Vega Maisonave specially written for “Estranged” by Piano Del Cuore.
It’s interesting, the way the world works. There are around 7.9 billion humans living in it, each in their own unique little world. What were the odds that you and I would end up together? Two out of 7.9 billion people. Almost impossible. The fact that we exist in the same time and space is more than just luck for me. But finding out that my feelings weren’t one sided… it felt like I was one of God’s favorites.
I’ve spent hours memorizing your small habits through the glasses of the office cubicles. How is it that we were in the same room, yet miles apart? Not a single sentence my mind made up seemed good enough to say out loud to you. First impressions are important. Even if we technically did know each other, it wasn’t in the way I wanted.
How do strangers become lovers?
Maybe there isn’t an answer to that question. Or maybe there are too many answers. It didn’t really matter because all I could think about was the way you drank from your coffee mug. The way you walked confidently into a room. How your mouth pouted when reading an email. Even the veins that showed on your arm when you pulled your hair back. My small obsession was the reason why I couldn’t speak when you invited me to have lunch with you. Could it be that you had been studying me as well or am I imagining things now? So we went out.
“What’s your favorite food?”
“What’s your favorite place?”
“What music do you listen to?”
These were the questions you asked me, and they were the questions I needed to hear. Thank God you wanted to know about my first pet fish, nobody cares to know about a pet fish. You might as well have said you liked me for all reasons and purposes. But I was more than happy to answer anything you asked me. And one day, you asked,
“Would you be my girlfriend?”
Was the world ever this blissful? I thought to myself. I felt like the luckiest woman out there, overjoyed that I wasn’t alone in my fantasies.
We started dating. We went to every restaurant we’d heard of, even gained a few pounds. We sang karaoke–all notes off tune–until our voices cracked. And the next day at work, we’d laugh when we greeted each other in hoarse voices. You’d never been to a theme park before and decided to share your first experience with me, pictures posted on social media to complete the experience. I learned more things about you. You were afraid of the dark so you always ran to bed after turning off the lights. You used face masks before going to sleep. You counted each step of every staircase you took. I fell in love with each and every one of your routines. And apparently you fell in love with mine. So much that even after three years, you still took photos when I asked for a kid’s meal at fast food restaurants.
The way I confided in you was as if I was telling my deepest secrets into a vault that will be thrown out to the bottom of the sea. We listened to each other’s hopes and dreams and we planned our future together. Everything was based on our happiness, an unfaltering force of nature, one we thought unique to us. Because even if there were millions that proclaimed their love, none of them felt bigger than ours…
But again, how interesting the way the world works. It seems there is only one thing that doesn’t change through time, and it is change itself. The world is always changing. And since we were part of this world, I should’ve expected that things wouldn’t always be the same.
“Are you hungry?” You’d already eaten.
“Want to go out?” You had extra work.
“Want to watch a movie?” You had plans with friends.
Little by little, you seemed to want to spend less time together. You were promoted in the office, now your cubicle is empty… I’m sitting at my desk, imagining you’re there. And wishing that things could go back to how they were.
We live in the same house but don’t see each other until we exchange hellos at the office. Day turns into night and I don’t see you by my side to walk back home. Not even when I lie down to sleep. The only evidence of your existence is the folds of the blanket you left behind along with me. Why won’t you show me affection anymore? Were you only interested when you didn’t know me?
“Stop saying nonsense, of course I love you,” you respond without looking my way. One can say many things, it doesn’t mean they are true. A person who loved someone would spend more than just their spare time with them. Or they would text them something loving. Or they would call them. Or they would spend time with them. A person who truly loves someone would demonstrate it. Words don’t matter, actions do.
These endless rants in my head boil up for days, and when they’re about to come out of my head and into my mouth for you to hear, I see a fraction of the man you used to be. Because of any small gesture or maybe just out of custom, my heart skips a beat. Did it skip out of love or is it out of fright of leaving him? If I speak my mind, would he leave me? There is nothing holding him to me anymore, I feel as disposable as the beginning–before I knew him.
Maybe we could go back in time to see where all your sweetness went. Did you use so much at the beginning that now you are out? The man I fell in love with stands before me, but I don’t stand before him. You do not see me anymore, but you know I’m there.
“I love you,” I say to your back that’s facing me on our bed. “I love you,” I repeat again. Tears make a path down my cheeks into the pillowcase as I see the blue light from his phone screen. It’s as if the darkness around me absorbed my words. I don’t hear them back and maybe I never will.
How do lovers become strangers?
Maybe there is no answer, or maybe there are too many to count. It makes no difference now, for it happened and somehow we are both.
